A Grand Escape

Today I caught myself daydreaming about what it would be like to pack my bags and walk away from it all. In a non-coronavirus world, I could board a flight and find myself on a beach in Bali in roughly 48 hours.

I have planned this escape many times, but from experience, I know that it won’t solve my problems.

When I moved to India I dropped everything, quit my job, moved out of my house, and packed two heavy bags. I cut ties with the life I was building here in the states, in pursuit of one that was more authentic.

The idea of this sounds liberating, but in reality, it feels a bit different.

Packed with me in those two heavy bags were loads of anxiety and all of the problems from my past life. By cutting ties with my old life I thought I could cut ties with the things that held me back, but I was wrong.

My time living abroad was beautifully necessary but brought all of the slimy things living inside me to the surface. You can’t just leave your fears. If it were that easy, we would all move abroad and not come crashing home with empty savings accounts.

I know that this isn't the last time I will think of my grand escape, but in the future, I hope to do it more constructively. Instead of daydreaming about drinking unidentified cocktails under an umbrella in Sri Lanka, I can think of what it would feel like to jump into life and write the stories of Indian women and girls.

For now, this is where I need to be, here in my house doing the work it takes to look deeply at the parts of me that are holding me back from this life I want. It isn't always fun and my tan is non-existent, but I am confident I am in the right place.

When the time is right, my bags will be lighter, the stories will offer themselves up, and the beaches will be ready to receive me.