Want in a Cup

I went to India for six months to do what my heart wanted. I wanted to lean into want and give it what it was asking me for. Then, I wanted to come back stateside and carry on an absolutely normal life having gotten all of the want out of my body.

I figured since I was truly diving into want for the first time in my life maybe I could empty the cup it lived in.

When I came home I wanted to want to construct a life completely normal. One that consisted of desires I could present to anyone and not be judged. This would be full of decent moral values, tasteful vacations, a 9-5 job, and a reasonable amount of money.

This is what I would refill my cup with.

I had just completed a journey that met some of my wildest and untraditional dreams so I figured I could justify living life a little smaller. I wanted to want to embark on normal.

Exhausted by my India life I looked into my cup hoping to be satisfied by its emptiness. I figured all of the moist remnants of want would be gone and I could fill it up with these new easy desires I had selected for myself.

Much to my surprise, my cup was still full. Actually, it was more full of want than the day I had left for India.

Yes, I was covered from head to toe with mosquito bites and still took cover when I saw movement in trees because I feared a monkey attack but want had never left my cup.

It seemed for each sip of want I had consumed from the cup, twice the amount of want would fill its place.

Or maybe I had it wrong that whole time, my cup of want was not a cup after all. It was a very tiny well. I had emptied the first few cloudy buckets of want from its depths for it to refill with clear unclouded water.

By emptying want, I invited more of its kind to fill its place.

Want traveled to me from a water table deep down in the earth. So much want resided there that once I broke its surface I could no longer keep it from bubbling up. It rushed through cracks in the earth and filled all the open spaces.

Want churned so freely in the well that I could not help but look down into it and when I did I was thankful it did not seek my permission before refilling.

From looking down into my well I’ve learned wanting to want something is not the same as wanting. You do not get to decide what fills your well, but, you do get to decide if you look down into its deepness.

I’ve also learned that people (including myself) are excellent at judging. There is no life out there that skeptics will not deem worthy of judgment. The best you can do is pardon yourself from your judgment.

Lastly, I suppose if someone’s judgment truly and deeply bothers you, you could utilize your well of want to its deepest extent and just push them down into it.