Speakers of Fear

I think most people have experienced a big life change, one they have anticipated, that made them feel fear, that made other people feel fear when they told them about it. 

In my case, it is and was a move abroad but it doesn’t have to be that for you. It could be a career change, ending a relationship that brought you no joy, taking up water skiing, a move across the country, or a move across town. In some way, we all know the anticipatory feeling of wanting the people in our lives to approve, to say yes leave him, make the move, start your master's degree. And we all know the feeling, the cold-bodied stiff-necked feeling when these things aren’t said when fear is chosen instead.

I don’t necessarily place all of the blame on the speaker of fear it is our fault for searching for approval. In my experience no one ever approves, you may get lucky and have the blessing of someone you love but you may not either. And even if you do have a blessing from someone important to you, you will root up droves of neigh sayers before you embark on your big life change. 

I know somebody who broke their neck water skiing once, actually, I don’t know them but I heard about it on Entertainment Tonight.

Don’t those parasites that can swim up a stream of urine and wedge themselves in the male urethra live in the waters of the Ganges?

Now, these are funny statements, you can answer them by saying I think the odds that my neck will snap when I mount up on skis are slim or I have no penis for this small creature to take up residency in. 

We all know the questions and statements that are a little more serious, the ones that will make you doubt what you are doing or wake up at 3:30 am with fear on your mind and sweat on your palms.

Didn’t you just turn 37? What will happen if you leave him and never find someone better? You’re running out of time to have kids. 

People like you don’t get those jobs.

How much money do you have in savings and what will you do when you get back from India?

To the speakers of these fears, I ask you politely to please shut the fuck up. You do not need to offer someone who is embarking on change fear because I assure you that they have enough of their own already. That person starting their masters late is already doubting their ability to learn and the person taking ski lessons is working hard to get over a fear of deep water.

There was a period of time before my move to India that I thought about canceling my trip. I even applied for a job and spent multitudes of sleepless nights thinking of all of the horrible things that could happen to me on the other side of the world. Spoiler, parasites in the urethra did not cross my mind. 

All of the speakers of fear in my life felt the need to educate me on the state of women’s rights in a place they had never been. The most common questions I received were, how will you pay for this? Is it even safe for women there?

Thanks, speaker of fear, having the money to pay for six months abroad never crossed my mind and I have not watched that documentary about India’s daughter two and a half times.

Rarely did anyone ask me about the work I would be doing or if I was excited to start taking up a way of living that I had wanted for so long. 

To all you speakers of fear, even if it makes the pulsing of blood through your body slow down, ask the doers of courageous things if they are excited about this next step. Ask, what’s the dream job they’ll get with that master's degree, how will the partner they want make them feel, or what’s their favorite Indian food.

To the doers of courageous things, don’t ask for approval when you already have your own. And if you are in a situation where you are offered all of the fear someone else thinks you should have, ask them what made them become some who is so scared of living to begin with. 

I think their answer will be other speakers of fear, a mother, a father, a grandmother, a partner who told them they should be scared and they believed it.

Remind them, they don’t have to believe it.