Planted

I want to make my life where I have love.

For always, I have been in search of this place. It is a place where I will go and be planted. Where I will send down my roots wide and deep and grow a life uniquely my own.

I have believed that to find this place I must leave the place I already am.

I have traveled the country far and wide in its search. I have tried to send my roots down in the coldest of places in hopes to bind myself to the earth. It has not worked. Time passes and my roots are shallow. I am left feeling alone and isolated.

I know a place where I am happy but people looking in on my life have told me it can’t be my place. I can’t allow my roots to take hold in a place that is too familiar because it is not brave.

To be considered brave I must go and be alone in a place. I must water myself and grow my roots without help from an outside force. I must withstand harsh conditions and grow tall and strong all on my own.

At least, this is what people tell me.

I have done this version of brave and it has left me sad. I have eaten countless dinners alone and have spent many weekends in solitude in a place where I am the outsider, only to be considered brave by those around me.

Ferocious sadness does not feel like bravery and waking up with countless miles separating me from the people I love does not either.

Just as much as I want to travel to remote corners of the world, I want to give myself permission to come home and land in the place I am loved. I want to put roots down there for a while and enjoy being within driving distance of my family.

I want to feel safe and happy and at home, at least for a little while.