Love Leaving

With him, I have uncovered my biggest fear and that's what makes leaving him so hard. 

I look into his eyes and meet the feeling of love leaving. I see how it wrinkles that place high up on his cheekbone and how his lips go flat when happiness leaves the little tissues that pull his soft pink skin up into a smile. 

I see the space between his eyebrows wrinkle with knowing when I tell him about the nightmares I have, the ones where I am out of my body watching a wedding that is mine and confuse it for my own funereal. I tell him how the idea of this is undoable pulses through my body as I watch a sad version of me stand in front of a man who is so happy. 

I do not tell him though how the dream sits me upright sweating in bed and I think to myself I would rather be dead than give my happiness and life away to a man who does not actually know me. 

From my experience things always make their way back to the giver, I guess that is the rule of karma after all. But different than karma it seems to happen very fast for me. I see the acts of my own bad doing meet me in the same lifetime. When I sit alone at a work event I think of that girl in second grade that I told could not sit at our lunch table. 

I worry that if I take love from him that love leaving will find me. That my lips will go flat as I watch a man I like to wake up next to walk away from me. That I will have a small wrinkle permanently indented in that space between my eyebrows from listening to him talk about his fear of commitment.

I worry that there is a person out there that will travel me, a person whose smell at the end of the day does not make me feel trapped, a person whose hair is soft and dark with curls at the end and I worry that this person will show me what love leaving feels like.