Below My Surface

I am always reassuring myself that there is so much more below the surface of me.

I am more than what people see. I am more than the job I am doing and the projects I am working on. I am more than the clothes I wear and the color of my hair.

I know I am more and that my existence is bigger than a few details.

I believe this about myself so adamantly but do not always offer the same to other people. I have unfairly judged people based on small actions made in a massive lifetime. I have taken words that had been spoken in a rush and stored them in my heart. And when friends tell me their big goals, I have calculated their potential for success based on who they were in a past life.

When I say past life, I don’t mean the karmic culmination of what has gotten us where we are today, but the past lives we have engaged in together. We have lived so many versions of ourselves that I think we can deem them different lifetimes.

In a past life, I was a horseback rider. In a past life, I was a traveler. In a past life, I was an asshole. My list goes on and on but so does everyone else’s.

I have to offer people in my life gentleness in my viewership or I can’t expect them to offer it to me.

When I tell my friends about the joy I am seeking or my hopes for a career that is undeniably me, I don’t want them to think of my past life in which I was a depressed freshman in college with alcohol poisoning.

I don’t want them to think, yeah that girl who vomited on herself is not capable of a big joyful existence. I want them to think of who I am in my current life.

I want them to think, yeah that girl who creates art she loves and writes stories from the gut is definitely capable of a big joyful existence.

If I have found one thing to be certain in my many lifetimes, it’s that I attract who I am and what I give. Because of this, I know that to receive the confidence of others I must first give mine to them.

I know that my ability to reach my goals is not defined by the ability others believe me to have, but it sure does help.

It feels really good to have people in my corner and it feels extra good to sound my fears and aspirations to ears that authentically love and believe in me.

And truthfully, how can I believe in my own growth if I don’t think others are capable of changing their trajectory from a past life?