A box of decaying happiness

I write my intentions down for the day. The second one from the top reads live a little more.

I have no idea what this means or maybe I do and that’s the problem. Admitting that I know what it means and not doing it would mean a refusal to live. I don’t think there is any worse way to spend a life than refusing to live it in the way your belly and elbow joints ask you to. 

It’s sad really, the universe plops you down into this existence with one moon or north star and asks you to go in the direction of it. To pursue it in a way that quiets the voices of your body and lets you sleep at night, that makes your belly and elbow joints happy, and shoos away the full body and mind tiredness that forms when you have your back turned to that geographical reference point in the sky.

Some folks would argue that this north star concept is a little more complicated than it sounds. Yes, the universe ties one to you when you come into existence but it is your job to use your time living to find it, to search it out in a sky full of stars. Also, if you can’t find it or if that star proves to be socially unacceptable, just pretend it doesn’t exist and find something that matches the money you pay into retirement each month and allows you two weeks of vacation each year.  

I disagree with these people and kind of believe they’re elitist assholes. I think there is one star, the same star in the sky for everybody. Yes, the path to follow it is incredibly unique for each of us, yours may involve mountain valleys and mine may involve an alligator-filled mote but what the star is made of is completely the same.

I think every atom of that giant flaming star is made of small acts of happiness that combine into one entire existence lived in a happy way. And here’s the best part, you get to choose what makes that star stand out in the darkness of a night sky, you get to choose what happy looks like, how it feels, and how it smells on your pillow when you climb into bed. Those elitist assholes cannot choose it for you even though they’ll tell you they can. 

I think the universe intended this very simple freedom for us when we were given life to live and the point of giving it to all of us allows there to be diversity in this existence. If one thing could design happiness for all of us then only a select few could have it. This one thing I’m referring to is a six-figure salary for work done in an office with a big window and built-in temperature controls. 

I know this because I have spent much of my life being one among dozens of the elitist assholes I referred to earlier. I believed happiness was a load of crap and eventually the north star the universe gave me would just fizzle and fall out of the sky and I could move on with my life. I could get a raise, I could get people to listen to me when I spoke, and eventually, when the desire to live differently left I could be happy.

The thing is though, the desire to live your life in a way that is suited for you never actually dies. You can cover it in small or large piles of money and one name tag with a validating title but it will still be there vibrating and searching for a way out. And let me tell you from experience, if you choose to ignore it, to leave it covered in the things you should want, you are choosing sadness. The very real kind that keeps you awake all night, and causes pain in your belly and elbow joints. 

Personally, I don’t think it’s worth it. I have spent so much time burying away my small atoms of happiness that they should have their own gravestone in the local cemetery.

Here lies, the culmination of one young life’s hopes and dreams. Resting beneath this plot of earth is actually a pile of bodies tangled together, one children’s book illustrated with pictures of cats, dozens of trips to India, so many stories that no one will ever read, the thong bikini you never bought for trips to Bali you never took, and small wrinkles that could have formed lines of joy on your face if you would have let yourself smile more.

I know, that’s a lot of very random and specific things but the solution to this problem is just as simple as small acts of happiness. 

One night, your north star or moon will show itself, even a very small bit, and will shed a few rays of light onto your time spent living. You will use that light to go find the place your hopes, dreams, and small acts of happiness are buried and you will dig them up in the dead of night like a grave robber. Once you crack open the dirty box you buried all of those things in, expecting to make a grizzly discovery of decaying happiness, you will be please to find all of those little things clinging onto life.

Remember, as I said earlier, the things that make you happy and that have the power to make your life more alive can never truly be dead.